theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize