I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
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He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
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This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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