We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
