I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
