piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
