go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I want to make a zoo with you.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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