I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
