Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
