Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
