I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
