Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
