so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize