My underwear smells like fireworks.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
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Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
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I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm bleeding and have questions
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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