Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
