they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.