dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.