I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
