I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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