I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
