My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
