when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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