I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
