So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
