When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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