Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
