don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
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I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
ttyl tear gas
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
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My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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