Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
