Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
