I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
