I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
