Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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