apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
