my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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