he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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