I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
