omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
