Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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