I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
