I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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