You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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