i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
