I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
