it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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