Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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