I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You should frame my arrest warrant.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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