I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
