Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
