I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Of course I have a pirate flag
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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