Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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