Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
