I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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