Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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