I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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