That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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